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Losing Myself

May 19, 2010

I haven’t written anything here for so long that I feel I should stop by to drop a word or two.

It’s been a long time since I last sat in front of my desk at home on a Wednesday afternoon. I started my first full-time job last October, and since then, I feel that something inside me is slowly deteriorating. Maybe it’s the creativeness and imagination that began to fade away since my teenage years. Maybe it’s the English language, which I never truly mastered but was confident in and used as a selling point during interviews when I first got back to Hong Kong. Maybe it’s my ability to capture humourous and interesting bits in my daily life, which led to a then-popular blog evolving into a very insipid one. I feel that some part of me is slowly slipping through between my fingers, but I cannot tell what that is.

I don’t know if it is work and the routine life style that it brings that drains away the funny part of me, but I can no longer find stuff to share that catches people’s attention. Now it takes me thrice the time to find the right words to express my feelings. Maybe some part in my cerebrum just stops functioning. Maybe the CFA (which Miah refers to as “Chinese Football Association”) readings are occupying too much space in my head that there remains no room for imagination. Maybe these two paragraphs (OK now I have written much more than “a word or two”) carry no logical flow because I have started to be illogical as well. Maybe I should stop now and go back to my studies for this Chinese Football Association thing (why can’t it be Canadian, Croatian or Cameroonian?)

Or, maybe, if I am a prominent writer or poet, some people will start counting how many ‘maybe’s I have used here and try to analyse why I am using the same word all over the place and gives me credit for repetitive usage, which is certainly one of the things that secondary school teachers will take off points for in their students’ homework.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Miah permalink*
    May 19, 2010 3:16 am

    I said Chinese Football Association because that’s the one that caught my attention when I looked CFA up on Wikipedia, there’s also a Cyprus Football Association, but it’s two items below its Chinese counterpart. But it can be any of them if you have a preference.

    It could be due to the people around you. I think your blog was at its funniest when you were constantly inspired by the now-legendary Ah Wu. Your work colleagues are probably not as funny and you are probably not supposed to joke around at work. Don’t despair though, because I am coming back to HK!

    It might just be bits and pieces of thought thrown together, but I genuinely enjoyed reading what you wrote.

  2. May 22, 2010 11:21 pm

    to be honest, this piece has solidified my fear of work.
    but i always know that i won’t treat my colleagues as friends that i met in school.
    and i always know that work is boring.
    still, i hope i will have the time and mood to enjoy any single silly moment with my old friends…

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